


Unknowing Fear

by JustSmileStuffHappens (ksz13)



Series: Buddie / 9-1-1 Prompt Fills [41]
Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Acceptance, Comfort, Comfort No Hurt, Comfort/Angst, Confessions, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Feelings, Gen, M/M, Reconciliation, Reflection, Secrets, Self Confidence, Self-Doubt, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Reflection, Therapy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-14
Updated: 2020-05-14
Packaged: 2021-03-03 03:54:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,891
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24188470
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ksz13/pseuds/JustSmileStuffHappens
Summary: Dialogue Prompt: "I am NOT exhausting, and I am allowed to think about myself because you really don't Edmundo, no one really does honestly. You said so many hurtful, untrue things to me about my actions and then conveniently forgot you ever said them. I can't do that, what you said is stuck in my brain like knives that twist in deeper every time I think about doing anything. This isn't me whining and I am not going to suck it up, this is me laying out how you've actually made me feel."
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV)
Series: Buddie / 9-1-1 Prompt Fills [41]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1582147
Comments: 4
Kudos: 221





	Unknowing Fear

**Author's Note:**

> I'm sorry I twisted this prompt around a little bit but I got an idea and I went with it

**_Unknowing Fear_ **

  
  
  


He was finally gonna do it. Buck needed to. For his own sanity. His mind would not rest until he did.

"I need to tell you this." (It's killing me) Buck avoided his eyes. 

"I'm not exhausting. I have to think about what's best for me because you can't, you're not me. No one else can, and yeah, I guess they shouldn't have to. So it's up to me," (Even if I'd hope they would) He closed his eyes to help himself with what he had to say next.

"What you said hurt, more than hurt, it felt like I was stabbed in the back again right next to the other wound that was raw. I'm not selfish, that's not true. I try not to be every chance I get." ( Even when it's hard or it hurts) Buck let the tears come. 

"The worst part is all of you forget what you said but it's stuck on repeat in my head. I feel like a part of me dies each day when you don't apologize or even recognize it at all." (I'm so fucking pathetic) 

"This isn't me whining. It's how I feel inside and I have to say it for you all to ever understand. But I can't- could never tell you because then how would I ever know the apology was real. I can't suck it up, but i will." Buck finally looked up at him again and took a breath.

He stared back with his pale glossy eyes and looked as defeated as him, because he was him.

"The truth is, I'm a coward. I could never risk losing any of you." Buck doubled over onto the sink. 

His therapist was a piece of shit. This wasn't helping. He couldn't do it. He was still stuck at square one. 

Saying it didn't make it any easier to do or hurt any less damn it!

Buck's reflection stared back at him. (You should do it)

"It hurts, but- I'm scared- I don't want to be alone, " Buck whispered back wetly, his throat raw.

He turned off the light and stood there for a second. He couldn't look back at him if he couldn't see him. 

The faintest light peeked in from past the cracked open door.

Buck walked out into the open air of his loft where he could breathe.

He saw a to-go receipt on the floor under his front door. 

'Forgot some stuff in my truck be right back.' was written neatly. On the other side of the door was a large pizza box on the floor.

Eddie knew most of Buck's neighbors were older and nice so it would be okay to leave it. It had to be him. 

Buck moved to clean his face and clear his throat before he got back.

Thank God he hadn't walked in. Eddie hadn't heard. He didn't see.

Maybe a part of Buck wished he had though. Would that have made it easier? Taking the choice away. 

He put the pizza box on the table after he was decent enough.

"I forgot the napkins." Eddie said knocking while using his key. 

"But I already have napkins." Buck said, confused at that.

"Yeah, but I don't want to waste yours when these are fine. Plus I forgot my phone and my wallet. I couldn't leave them. It'd tempt someone to break into my truck, and replacing them on top of my window would be a pain in the ass." Eddie explained while coming over to wash his hands before joining buck on the table.

"Hey Eddie?" Buck asked. 

"Yeah Buck, what is it?" Eddie asked attentively, expectantly.

"Can you get me a drink while you're still up. I forgot to, while I got the stuff to put on top of it."

Eddie's face softened. "Sure thing. Anything else?" Eddie asked.

"Nah. Hey, you spent extra on the toppings?" Buck noticed while serving their plates. 

"Yeah. I remembered you said you would have liked them that one time we got it before. It's not that much more and you wanted it so i got it." Eddie shrugged while putting down Buck's drink and taking a seat.

They finished it before Eddie filled Buck in on what Christopher was supposed to be doing today. 

"He sounds like he's having fun." Buck said.

"I think he is. I hope. I can't really tell without him saying if anythings wrong. I mean. He sounded okay and I got to see something he made on the first day. I feel like if something was wrong I could feel it because I care so much about him, but I've been wrong before too. During the tsunami, I had no idea you two were in danger, and then he was hiding something from me and I- I finally put the clues together." Eddie said thinking back now.

"Christopher's a great kid though. I'm sure he's making friends and having fun. If he didn't want to be there anymore he might know he could tell you but- maybe just offer. And leave it up to him though. Say it would be okay either way but if he wanted to come back home early that's fine, the same as staying there through it all" Buck said, cleaning up his own stuff.

"Yeah. I might try that. The next call is in two days. But I don't want to worry him when I'm the adult."

"He cares Eddie, the same as you. You're his dad," Buck said smiling.

"I guess maybe I should say stuff more huh?" Eddie asked.

"It can help. Yeah." Buck suggested.

"Do you ever have stuff you think you should say but it's hard?" Eddie asked his face blank.

"Sometimes. I could think of a few, maybe." Buck bit his lip, nodding.

"You know how I said we were past the lawsuit?" Eddie started.

"You were-" Buck gulped. "Lying?"

"No. God, no Buck. I- I didn't try hard enough to see it from your side, you were right about that. I was too hurt about you not being around. Christopher missed you, I did too. I forgave you for that but there was nothing to forgive. It was a shitty situation for all of us." 

"You heard?" Buck asked.

"What?" Eddie faked confusion.

"You came in." Buck looked like he was ready to run in his own place.

"I- I heard some of it." He admitted.

"And you were just gonna try pretending you didn't? Say what you thought I wanted to hear?" 

"No. I- I didn't know what to do. So I left to think. To give you time to decompress. I'm sorry. But I wasn't lying. We do want you around, me and Christopher, and maybe you don't realize that. I can speak for the others too."

"You can't say that."

"Yes I can. I know them, the same as you. I can't take back what I said, I have to live with knowing I hurt my best friend to be petty when I was hurting. You're not selfish, you're selfless. In and out of your uniform. I was wrong to imply that and you're not exhausting. I couldn't take the time to see my best friend needed me, just as much as I needed you." Eddie said from where he was now standing opposite from Buck. 

"You're the bravest man I know who goes rushing in to help people, even if it scares me that one day you might not make it out yourself." Eddie came closer. "It's who you are, kind and so open."

His eyes looked sad yet still held a warmth to them entirely Eddie.

"We don't have to talk much while we work together because we're so in sync but now I see that I have to say it. You're not going to lose us, you are not going to lose me. And it is an honor to know you both as Evan Buckley the person and Buck the firefighter, my partner." 

Buck sniffled at that. 

"I can't lie to you, even when I tried before it didn't last very long. I'm gonna say it however many times I have to. I am so fucking sorry I hurt you, I shouldn't have done that, you didn't deserve it. You matter to me, to Christopher, to all of us. I want to be there for you the same as you've been there for us. You should feel like you could tell me anything, I'm sorry you felt that you didn't." 

Eddie moves forward slowly ensuring Buck can turn away or reject what he's about to do and making sure he knows. He opens his arms and sees the shaky nod.

Buck couldn't hold it back anymore. He started crying fully. 

"You'll always be an important person to me. I will always want you in my life Buck. I want to have your back the same as you've got mine." Eddie said squeezing tightly, it bordered on too tight but never crossing that line though.

"You make me want to be a better person, the same way I felt with Christopher." Eddie whispered.

"Yeah. He just has that effect on people. You're pretty inspiring too Eds" Buck laughed.

"Coming from you, that means a lot."

They stayed like that. Their chests together, arms encircling each other, both gently fisting the others shirts. Fully allowing themselves to savor the long embrace.

"Do you think, maybe next time I could talk to Chris? If he wants-"

"I was gonna ask you about that actually. He asked if we were having fun. I wouldn't consider crying while hugging fun but maybe we needed this, to talk, we can just tell him about eating pizza, maybe watching a movie, and how I kicked your ass in your game." Eddie said.

"He asked about me?" Buck perked up at the idea in itself.

"Yeah. He said the next thing he made would be for you. That he could make something for each of us. Chris said to check on you if either of us got lonely." Eddie smirked with a sniffle.

"He's a smart kid." Buck nodded.

"Takes that after his mom's side." Eddie nodded.

Buck pulled away fully now.

"Let's watch that movie. I'm tired of crying, and I could use a few laughs." 

Eddie followed close behind him over to the couch then came to sit beside him.

"So what do you say? Action comedy?" Eddie grabbed the remote first before Buck could.

"Yeah. Then I'll show you I was holding back so you didn't have to look bad in front of Chris." Buck chuckled, elbowing Eddie softly teasingly.

"Well see about that." Eddie smiled and laughed while scooting a little closer. 

They were soon laughing together at the ridiculous things that looked completely impossible but they believed could happen with what they'd seen themselves at work and at the inaccurate parts were first responders did their jobs weirdly.

Maybe Buck could tell the others how he felt too. Eddie found out and it didn't change things for the worse. So maybe. 

Buck put the thought away as Eddie handed him another drink. 

He'd tell his therapist how it went. It kinda felt like he owed them an apology now. Buck did feel better, like he could say it to them too.

**Author's Note:**

> Please talk you two, everyone really, also let these boys and pretty much everybody hear comforting words like you're not alone and you're enough more often god damn it


End file.
